Of Men and Women

This paper is written partially as a response to a piece called “The Truth about Feminine Beauty” written by a social media personality going by “@EvilVizier” on Twitter. Though not meant to call out the author, this piece is rather a peek into the broader subject related to said work. The writer of that piece goes to great lengths to try and prove their points and it is an interesting read, though this writer disagrees with many of the conclusions reached, a point of contention somewhat explored below.

The title alone calls gratingly to mind over-discussed solutions to under-appreciated problems, pontificated on endlessly, to the point of cliche, for much of recorded history. But how do we reckon the differences between men and women? Eschewing whatever accusations of so-called heteronormativity, this topic is of paramount importance to human interaction, and is often shaken up by the decade, year, or even month, such that most everyone has likely given thought to the matter anew at least once in their lives. Invariably, no one seems to understand but everyone has the answers, from pickup artist gurus to hardcore feminists; we all need them to tell us how the birds and the bees buzz and fly, so to speak. Perhaps a more nuanced discussion is needed, and perhaps said discussion will help bridge the gap between the parody-worthy examples above. And perhaps it will do nothing but add to the miry soup of argumentation that always seems to boil over whenever this topic is explored at length. We shall see.

The idea of men and women being different may seem a foregone conclusion for most, but it is worth pointing out because many believe those differences are not innate and rather, social constructions. That idea is pervasive and growing in popularity by the day, even seeing widespread embrace on social media and in public schools. Social construction could be seen as an easy out for the problem of men and women, and perhaps that’s one of the many aims for adherents, but it would seem that relativist ideas are not simplifying the problem at all. In fact, it seems more likely that it will needlessly complicate an already befuddling discourse. No one is allowed to make any general statements regarding men or women without censure by people that feel those very descriptors, man and woman, are derogatory when applied in good faith. This may be why people seem to seek out guidance on such issues from at least uninformed and dubiously qualified “gurus”. Intelligentsia of today do not bother with pondering the problem of men and women, because under the common ideal, such differences are merely social in nature, not at all determined by biology. This issue has, and no doubt will, contribute to a generally worsening understanding of intersexual relations, though the maddening nature of the modern sociopolitcal sphere will throw its proverbial hat into many rings of the discussion.

For most of human history, men and women have been representative images for a variety of opposites. Women are chaos and men are order, women are emotional and men are rational, women are caregivers and men are breadwinners. All of these things are true, in some sense, and each dichotomy can be useful in examining the eponymous issue, but no doubt such rigid antipodes raise the ire of thoughtful readers. This fact is likely the cause of a myriad of arguments and quarrels between any belligerents brave enough to dive into such a dialogue, and fear of eliciting such reactions likely prevents many from pondering this problem outright. No one wants to pigeonhole an entire sex with a cheap comparison, and as well no one should, for we are blessed to be individuals with vast differences in thought and opinion. That being said, there are definite trends amongst the sexes that are helpful to recognize, and that do not marginalize or stigmatize the world when seen for what they are; biological traits that have helped perpetuate our species.

Generally, men are attracted to young women with ample bosoms, slim waists, and wide hips. They are attracted to women with a healthy weight, longer than shorter hair, and pretty faces. Men desire women who might be good mothers and thoughtful companions that respect them as well as love them. There is nothing wrong with these desires, inherently, and they may even seem obvious and not worth stating, and perhaps that is true, too.

Generally, women are attracted to strong men with healthy physiques and at least some level of musculature. They are attracted to men that are older than them, but not too old, and that are also taller than them. They want men who will make them feel safe, make them laugh, and support them both financially and emotionally. Women want to feel loved and desired. There is nothing wrong with these desires either, and likewise it may seem unnecessary to mention them.

For whatever reasons of shame, embarrassment or misplaced concern for reprimand, these trends are often ignored or denied, and that is not helpful in pondering the problem. As mentioned above, these traits and commonalities are rooted in biological compunctions that have helped perpetuate the human race. Men desire physical traits in women that hint at ease of childbearing, and personality traits that encourage their own drive and virility. Women are the sort of keepers of the genetic code, allowing only the most capable and vital men to sire children with them, determining such factors with a stringency and hard adherence that surpasses the same sort of concerns in men. These generalities are not bad things, and they do not necessarily exclude any one person or another from relationships with the opposite sex. Recognizing these common factors might also inform the less astute of steps they might take to garner interest from the opposite sex where they had not before.

But this is a rather cold prescription for human relations, and certainly not the right answer to the problem by itself. How can it be? Attractive men can be brutal, tyrannical monsters, and beautiful women can likewise be uncaring and manipulative in their relations. Playing the role of an “alpha male”, or following their inane and spiritually empty instructions for women is not at all the nuanced and thoughtful answer anyone needs, even if it might seem like a simple solution. For men, it is not strictly required to be a musclebound war machine, full of naked ambition and cold leadership. Women do not have to be hourglass-shaped goddesses with impossible proportions and constantly agreeable demeanors. If the thinker shifts too far to that direction, the impossibility of it will come into stark focus with the reality of human difference. The answer is not strict adherence to the above traits, but rather recognition of such commonalities and understanding of their reason and purpose.

The wonderful and truly vexing factor of human relations that muddles, befuddles, and all around complicates the problem is individuality. Humans are not animals, and cold biology will not help anyone become a better member of their sex. Most people in healthy relationships recognize the impossibility of perfection in themselves or their partner, and rather celebrate the quirks and eccentricities of their spouses. Do men want women with large breasts and healthy curves? Yes, by and large, men are attracted to such things, but the best part about being human is that those things do not matter beyond a certain point. The love found in good marriages is one that goes beyond biology and takes root in the challenge and pure joy of sharing your life with someone you truly respect and admire. This may seem a lofty and overly poetic proposition, and there is nothing more human than to ignore our good sense and dive headlong into our basest urges, but it is almost certainly an integral part of the answer.

The physical aspects of attraction often overshadow the intricacies of human relations, and it is likely that too much worry and burden is placed on those shaky beams. Perhaps the best advice for those worried about such things is to maintain a healthy lifestyle and try hard to develop a healthy physique. Men do not need to look like Adonis nor women like Aphrodite, but both sexes tend to prefer healthy mates. It is not sexist to suggest that women looking to attract men might try to accentuate their curves and appear more youthful and vibrant. Men, too, might try to better themselves in both physicality and in social stratas to try and attract women. But none of these things are hard and fast rules that will secure any man a relationship with any woman, or vice versa, and as well they should not. Humans are more than their visceral desires, yet simultaneously we are all driven by them, and ignorance of such drives is just as unhealthy. The problem of men and women is that we are all different, different in the same ways, different in obscure ways, and terribly similar as well. There is no solution to this problem, but perhaps a place for everyone to start would be here; take care of yourself physically, understand yourself emotionally, and do not allow yourself the vice of bitterness.